Less Romantic but Equally Relevant Relationships

Not all relationships are traditional. They don’t all involve two people and lead down the path to marriage. Some of my most important and meaningful relationships have been with things, with improper nouns, and I’ve gained more from these objects than from most courtships with men. Patience, trust and devotion, all learned and practiced with inanimate objects.

Some relationships were traditional, some one-sided, some abusive but all were insightful. I’ve invested similar amounts of time and emotion (and money) in these tangible yet lifeless things as I have with past boyfriends. At this point, I’ve been through more with my DVR than most men I’ve slept with. Because who do you trust more to record the finale of Jersey Shore Mad Men: a man who can barely make toast, or a machine?

Bangs
I did my digging, background research and thorough stalking before I committed to the bangs. Once I took the plunge and made the cut, I invested time and money into the upkeep of our relationship. I tried different things to keep the magic alive, careful not to get stuck in a rut. I learned what they liked and what they didn’t like. All I ever wanted was to make them happy, and maybe to look fabulous. We went through the good, the bad and the ugly, and had a great run of 14 months. Ending this has been more difficult than many real-life breakups, because they were a big part of my life and my daily routine. I still think about my bangs a lot, and they’re going to take some time and hair pins to get over. I made the commitment and stuck with it, but honestly, bangs are one hell of a bitch to get over.
Lesson learned: breaking up is hard to do, but we’ll always have the good memories (and great photos).

Makeup & Makeup Tools/Brushes
Would you rather date someone you met at the local Stop & Shop, or at Neiman Marcus? Invest in the good ones and you’ll always be glowing.
Lesson learned: if you choose wisely, your relationship will outlast the others.

DVR
I tell him what to do and he does it. And I get plenty out of it: he keeps my embarrassing secrets and he’s always there for me, 24/7. He reminds me to keep up with the Kardashians Wilfred and he doesn’t judge me for it. I love you, DVR.
Lesson learned: it’s okay to spend a little to woo your mate into getting what you want.

iPod
She was so lovely back in 2004– sleek, compact and pink, hungry for my favorite songs. What happened? Steve Jobs kept happening. With newer and newer technology, what was once amazing was suddenly clunky and inconvenient. Plus, she really hit the two-year mark hard and just stopped working one day. We had a great run, but it’s possible to outgrow even your favorite things.
Lesson learned: not all relationships are meant to last forever.

Kate Spade
We’re so close, I call her by her full name, Katherine. She helps me look and feel fabulous, and I let her. I’m not sure what Katherine gets out of this relationship, but I think my happiness keeps her satisfied. That’s my kind of woman.
Lesson learned: if you believe, “Pretty Woman” is possible.

Shower Curtain
Mildew doesn’t care how much your shower curtain cost, so I continue to cheap out and buy the one that rings up at $2.50. Maybe it’s because I can’t justify paying over $3 for a pile of clear plastic and magnets, or maybe it’s because I’d rather invest in Tilex. When you care enough to provide the best accessories, they get the job done.
Lesson learned: don’t be afraid to bring in reinforcements to keep things fresh.